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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Ep. 59 (2/24/11) see the back of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the counter with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right. That Guy: 'Ashom! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses." ''plays as title card shows 'Narrator: '''Where are you from? '''That Guy: '''That's a very good question. And actually, I'm from a very dark, depressing place. / ''cut ''A place where evil comes together and wants to make everybody's life miserable. / It is a horrifying realm of sin and death that no human being should ever have to see. / That's right. I'm from New Jersey! / In fact, I'm surprised you can understand anything I'm saying through my incredibly thick Jersey accent. / You can probably tell by the fact that I don't care about ''any of you. / And the fact that I think "Jersey Shore" is gut-wrenching drama. / So please, do yourself a favor and never visit there. / Or, if you do, poke out your eyes, / cut off your ears, / rip off your tongue, / and hide in the openings in your body. / That way, you can say you got the best of you just before Jersey got the best of you. / You won't be able to speak or make any sense, but that means you'll be able to blend into Jersey perfectly. / Jersey: the toilet of God! / Yes. 'Narrator: '''If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? '''That Guy: '''STOP CRYING! ''a slapping gesture, which is followed by a "smack" sound effect and the sound of a baby crying ''/ Oh, and don't go to Jersey. '''Narrator: '''Can you read my mind? '''That Guy: '''Only if you say it in rhyme and against John Williams music. / John Williams will originally want it to be a song, but you can't sing. / And besides, a song in the story about a man who wears blue spandex and a long red cape would just be silly. / It'd be like making a musical out of...Spiderman, and turning it into a big Broadway hit. / And when I say "hit," I mean people are constantly being hit and injured on the stage. / That's why they call it the NASCAR of Broadway shows. / People just watch it to see who's gonna die. / And of course, Bono's music. / ''laughs ''Pfft, sorry, I couldn't even say ''that with a straight face. / Three words that never go together: "people liking Bono." Pfft, it's crazy! / But to answer your question: Santa Claus. for a few seconds, and then looks away from the camera with a confused expression '''Narrator: '''What does USA stand for? '''That Guy: seriously ''It stands for truth, justice, peace, and the American way! / ''back to his usual demeanor ''Oh wait, you mean what do the ''initials stand for? laughs I'm so sorry. / That stands for "U Suck Anus." / Most people think it stands for "United States of America," but if that was true, where's the "o" for "of"? / Are the people of America prejudiced against the word "of"? / again very seriously ''Well, that's not the America ''I planned to grow up in! / I grew up in an America that says that all men are created equal! / Women, on the other hand, are screwed. / They are meant to be seen and bought, and not heard! / Just like the word "of"! / God, I hate that word! We should abolish all combinations of "o" and "f"! / Starting with movie titles! / "Raiders of the Lost Ark" will now be "Raiders: The Lost Ark?" Question mark? / "The Secret of Nimh" will now be "The Secret: Nimh!" Explanation sic ''point! / "Clash of the Titans" will now be "Clash: The Titans!!" It'll just be a big group of titans named "Clash." / With ''two explanation sic ''points! / See? We don't need the word "of"! We simply need punctuation at the end of titles! / Like "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"! Did you ever notice there's no question mark in that title?! '''Narrator: '''Who DID frame Roger Rabbit? '''That Guy: 'demeanor ''Rednecks. / ''contemptibly ''Lousy inbreeders. ''again Narrator: '''Does Justin Bieber have a penis? '''That Guy: ''laughs No, he has something better: ''five vaginas! / Have you ever met a boy with five vaginas? I ''have. / And oh, the nightmare fuel it will give you. Just like Justin Bieber songs! '''Announcer: 'accompanied by award show-styled music, to a very surprised That Guy 'Congratulations, you are the 12 millionth person on the internet to make a Justin Bieber joke! 'words "12 Millionth Justin Bieber Joke!" appear on the screen That Guy: ''in a very high-pitched and excited manner, waving his hands frantically Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God!! / ''disappear from screen ''Oh, I'm so excited! I'd just like to thank Justin Bieber and his five vaginas for making this possible! / But most of all, I'd like to thank the fans for so needlessly hating a little boy who sings music that you don't have to listen to! / Thank you, everybody! Thank you all! / ''out another high pitched scream of excitement before being abruptly cut off by the next question and the music going back to normal Narrator: 'Why're women's feet so beautiful? '''That Guy: '''They're not. They're totally disgusting. / Ah, I think it's obvious what's going on here. / A certain little fascination somebody has, hmm? / Wake up and smell the roses, man! You have a nose fetish! / Get over it, boy! We ''all have them! / Have you ever seen a person sneeze in slow mo? head violently ''Eww! / Go to the doctor and see what's wrong with you! You're not normal like me! / ''grabs his bare right foot, lifts it up to his face, kisses it, lets his foot fall back onto the floor, and resumes his normal pose 'Narrator: '''Were you saying "Boo" or "Boourns"? '''That Guy: '''SIMPSONS DID IT! '''Narrator: '''Is there a good answer when women ask, "Does this make me look fat?" '''That Guy: '''Yes there is. / "No, honey, that doesn't make you look fat, IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE GODZILLA. / Look out, Godzilla in a dress coming through! / I think you should eat Asian tonight because there are some Asian people down the street! / WHORE! YOU'RE AN UGLY, UGLY WHORE!" / The amount of sex you will get will be ''unbelievable. ''/ You can thank me later. ''a phone gesture with his free hand and whispers: ''Call me. '''Narrator: '''If you were a hot dog and you were starving, would you eat yourself? '''That Guy: '''Only if the hot dog was served... ''[The theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey" begins to play as That Guy slowly lifts up a dry erase board with the words "'WITH ONIONS" written across it. The sound of a crowd loudly cheering plays. The camera holds on That Guy standing with the sign and smiling for several seconds. / Cut to stock footage of a large crowd standing and applauding as the music continues to play. / Cut back to That Guy, who is still holding his board and smiling as the cheering continues. He nods several times. / Cut to more footage of a crowd standing and applauding. / Cut to a close-up of That Guy, who mouths "with onions", widens his eyes briefly, and stares at the camera smiling as the music finishes, before the normal music resumes and the next question appears.]'' Narrator: '''What would happen if you answered this question? '''That Guy: '''I don't know. Let's find out! ''of thunder as a bright light flashes, covering the entire screen in white ''/ ''James Brown bobblehead is now where That Guy was previously standing ''OH MY GOD I'M JAMES BROWN. '''I'M JAMES BROWN!!! / James Brown ''This is James Brown saying, there's no such thing as a stupid question, until ''you ask it. clip of James Brown saying "Ow!!" at the beginning of his song "I Feel Good" plays before the bobblehead is lowered beneath the countertop of the bar. THE END. Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Transcripts